Remembering Lauren McCluskey Before we continue, I want to remember Lauren McCluskey.Lauren was 21 years old, an honors student and accomplished
Remembering Lauren McCluskey
Before we continue, I want to remember Lauren McCluskey.
Lauren was 21 years old, an honors student and accomplished track athlete at the University of Utah. She was studying communication and preparing for graduation. She loved animals, volunteered with the humane society, had competed in track and field since childhood, and was remembered by those who knew her as kind, caring, smart, and disciplined.
Lauren was also a daughter.
In 2018, Lauren briefly dated a man who had lied to her about important parts of his identity. When she discovered his real age and learned that he was a registered sex offender, she ended the relationship.
What followed is one reason her story stays with me. Lauren tried so hard to get help.
She reported what was happening. She communicated with campus police as the situation escalated. Her mother also contacted campus authorities seeking help for her. Lauren continued providing information rather than simply making one report and hoping somebody would take care of the rest.
On October 22, 2018, the man she had broken up with murdered her on the University of Utah campus. Lauren was only months away from graduating. The university later awarded her bachelor’s degree in communication posthumously.
There is something especially painful about Lauren’s story because we so often tell young women what they are supposed to do when they become frightened.
Tell somebody. Report it. Ask for help. Keep records. Follow up. Don’t ignore warning signs.
Lauren kept trying.
I don’t want her story told in a way that quietly turns into another list of things a murdered young woman should have done differently. Lauren did not fail the safety system. Her case prompted independent reviews of the university’s response and numerous recommendations for change.
She deserved to live long enough to graduate, build her career, love her animals, keep running, change her mind a thousand more times, make ordinary mistakes, have ordinary Tuesdays, call her mother, laugh with friends, grow older and become whoever she was going to become.
She deserved all of that.
Her family has made sure Lauren is remembered for more than her murder. The Lauren McCluskey Foundation now works to improve how colleges respond to relationship violence and stalking, and her mother, Jill McCluskey, created Lauren’s Promise, a commitment to listen and believe someone who says they are being threatened.
That is a worthy place for parents to begin.
When your child, including your grown child, tells you someone is frightening her, listen. Believe that she knows when something has changed. Help her widen the circle of people who know. Help her find another door when one door does not open.
And remember Lauren.
Not because young women need another frightening story.
Because Lauren reached for help again and again. She should still be here.
We cannot change what happened to her. We can listen to what her life is still teaching us, honor the work her family has carried forward, and do everything within our reach to respond differently when the next young woman says:
Someone is frightening me.
Parents do a tremendous amount to keep their children safe. You know your child in ways a school administrator, counselor, police officer, coach, physician, or advocate never will.
Photo by Matt Ragland
And sometimes a situation grows beyond what one loving, capable parent can reasonably handle alone.
That is where layered support can become important.
Layered support simply means that when something serious is happening, particularly abuse, stalking, sexual violence, dating violence, threats, exploitation, or frightening behavior from another person, you do not have to place your child’s entire safety in the hands of one person or institution.
You can build a circle.
Parents Are Part of the Safety System
Parents should not be treated as though they are helpless bystanders waiting for professionals to tell them what to do.
You can ask questions. You can document. You can accompany your child. You can keep copies of communications. You can ask who is responsible for following up and when. You can seek another opinion when an answer does not sit right with you.
You can also say, “This isn’t enough. We need another layer.”
Depending on the situation, that next layer might be a pediatrician, therapist, domestic-violence advocate, sexual-assault program, attorney, school administrator, law-enforcement agency, child-protection agency, or another trusted professional.
Not every situation requires every resource. The point is not to surround a child with officials.
The point is to avoid having your child’s safety depend entirely upon one door opening.
Hotlines Are for Parents, Too
Hotlines are one of the most useful and sometimes misunderstood resources available.
I have both worked for and volunteered on hotlines. You do not have to call already knowing what should happen next.
Sometimes parents need to talk the situation through.
“What am I looking at?”
“Is this a warning sign?”
“My daughter is frightened of her boyfriend. What should I be paying attention to?”
“My child told me something happened. What do I do first?”
“I’m afraid that confronting this person could make things worse.”
A trained advocate can help you think through options and safety planning. RAINN specifically provides parents and caregivers with information about reporting, trauma-informed services, and supporting a child after sexual abuse; its hotline also connects people with local resources.
You are still the parent.
Seeking specialized knowledge does not surrender your judgment. It gives you another source of information to use while deciding what your family needs.
Give Your Child More Than One Safe Adult
Children should know that they can come to you. But there is another lesson worth teaching them:
If you cannot reach me, there are other safe adults you can tell.
Depending on your family, that might be Grandma, Auntie, an adult sibling, a trusted neighbor, teacher, counselor, coach, friend’s parent, or another carefully chosen person.
RAINN’s guidance for children makes an especially important point: if a child tells an adult and that adult does not help, the child should tell another trusted adult and keep seeking help until someone responds.
That is layered support in language a child can understand.
We should never teach children that telling one person who fails to act means they have reached the end of the road.
When Your Teen Is Dating
Parenting gets more complicated as children grow.
Teenagers and young adults are developing independence. They may love somebody you are worried about. They may disclose only pieces of what is happening. They may defend a partner one day and be frightened of that same person the next.
That can be terribly difficult for a parent to watch.
Love is Respect advises parents supporting a young person experiencing dating abuse to preserve trust and respect the young person’s decision-making while remaining available and supportive. Parents themselves can contact an advocate for guidance.
That balance is important.
You do not have to pretend dangerous behavior is acceptable. But keeping communication open may help preserve one of the most important things your child has:
A safe road home to you.
Document What Is Happening
When concerning behavior becomes repeated, documentation can help reveal a pattern that individual incidents may hide.
Save threatening messages when it is safe to do so. Record dates and incidents. Keep copies of reports and important emails. Write down names, case numbers, offices contacted, and what you were told.
For stalking specifically, the Stalking Prevention, Awareness & Resource Center provides a stalking incident and behavior documentation log and explains that documentation can help establish the larger pattern, assess risk, and preserve information if a Survivor later chooses to use criminal or civil legal systems.
Do not turn your home into an investigation bureau. You are a parent, not a detective.
But when somebody is repeatedly frightening or harming your child, preserving what is already happening can become another layer of protection.
Schools Can Be One Layer, Not Necessarily the Only Layer
Schools and colleges can contain wonderful people who care deeply about children and young adults. Counselors, teachers, administrators, campus advocates, and safety personnel can become important allies.
But parents do not have to assume that reporting something to a school means every other possible avenue should stop there.
Serious situations sometimes require resources outside the institution. Depending upon what happened, that might include medical care, a community sexual-assault or domestic-violence organization, mental-health treatment, law enforcement, child-protection authorities, legal advice, or another appropriate service.
Different systems have different powers and different limitations.
That is exactly why layers can matter.
Build the Plan Before You Need It
Families can talk about safety without frightening children.
Ask: “If you couldn’t reach me, who would you call?”
Make sure children know important phone numbers or where to find them. Decide which relatives or trusted adults can be contacted in an emergency. With younger children, families can establish a code word signaling that it is time to leave or get help.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends age-appropriate family safety planning that can include identifying trusted adults, safe places, emergency contacts, and family code words.
These conversations communicate something powerful to children:
There are people who will help you.
Resources for Parents and Families
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
For sexual assault, sexual abuse, questions about reporting, finding local services, and support for Survivors and their loved ones. Available 24/7.
Call 800-656-HOPE (4673)
Text HOPE to 64673
Online chat is available through RAINN.
Love is Respect
For teens and young adults experiencing dating abuse and for parents and caregivers seeking guidance about how to help.
Call 866-331-9474
Text LOVEIS to 22522
Chat and parent resources are available through Love is Respect.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
For domestic and relationship abuse, safety planning, and help locating additional services.
Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text START to 88788
Online chat and a personalized safety-planning tool are available through The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Stalking Prevention, Awareness & Resource Center (SPARC)
SPARC provides stalking education, risk and safety information, a stalking documentation log, a victim handbook, and safety-planning resources. SPARC stalking resources
If a child or family member is in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency service.
One More Thing for Parents
You will not be able to anticipate every person your child will encounter or every situation that could arise.
That is not the standard.
The goal is to raise children who know they can speak, who recognize that discomfort deserves attention, who understand that secrets involving harm can be told, and who know that asking one person for help is not their only chance.
And alongside them are grown people who can think, question, document, call, accompany, insist, comfort, and keep going.
Layered support does not replace parents. It gives parents more hands when protecting someone they love requires more than two.
Parents of slain University of Utah student sue under Title IX